I just re-read this on the heels of your pooch mom post. It's amazing to go back in time to be given the gift of getting a glimpse into your headspace, and seeing how your life has evolved since 2022...but a different sliver of what you were pondering in 2022 takes form in 2024. Can't wait for you and Felix to bond once again this year...and then you get to return home to puppy love and torn up toilet paper.
Feeling very connected to this for obvious reasons. I'm glad Felix was able to ground the story and your feelings in some way. He's currently convincing the Sandman of sleep to conjure up dreams full of trampolines, bouncy beds, and large L-shaped sectionals.
Thank you for being the first reader of this piece, and for allowing me to share photos of Felix in such a personal way. His inner monologues crack me up. I'm just sad we didn't get them on the ski slopes, and I think we should try again next year!
I just reread this piece and I’m feeling all the sadness and also the relief right alongside you. I’m also at that fork in the road where hard decisions about parenthood vs. childlessness are being made for me by circumstance. I appreciate Kathryn’s comment: “My contentment in a situation that is hard to control is a gift.” I hope I, too, can find contentment, whatever the outcome.
Ugh, me too, I know that’s the end goal. But right now I’m smack in the middle of feeling furious about the limited options I have, and everything that led me there. I want to speed forward to the wise zen! But no, I just need to be pissed for a minute, which is not always easy for me to let myself feel.
I’m appreciating hearing your journey on the flip side of this question; it’s painfully honest and beautifully real.
Yes!!! I’ve been very well mothered by people who don’t have biological children. This helped me “let go” of the dream I held so tightly. But of course it’s so hard. 🙏🏻
So many parallels in our lives! Losing my nephew was really hard. I still wonder if he'll remember Aunt K K. Being CF, for me, has felt very natural -- and I recognize that my contentment in a situation that is hard to control is a gift.
Definitely. While I'm obviously acutely aware of my age (what women isn't) I'm definitely grateful not to feel a time pressure around my next phase of life.
The life you can see out of the corner of your eye. . .your "almost life." So spot on, you have captured the twist of conflicting emotions of choosing not to be a mother of a human so beautifully. Thank you for writing and sharing this.
Thanks Anne! I appreciated our chat on kids when you were in New York. Honest conversations like that help me identify the conflicting emotions that twist through this topic.
Oof, this article gave me chills, thanks so much for sharing! I had also found her story inspiring (also, she didn't marry till her 40s!), but I hadn't seen this one. Thanks so much for reading, excited to see you tonight!
Oh, Liz. I feel the same way. If there is a judgment at the end of our lives, and thank goodness I don’t believe there is, tiny piece of me fears that I’ll be marked a failure for not becoming the mother I always through I was supposed to be.
Elaine! I feel this. It cuts against the status quo to be childless, and judging from the number of private messages I’ve gotten from women on this piece, you are definitely not alone. Thanks for reading!
On the other side of this - irrevocably bound to kids, and my ex for that matter (since once you have kids, you always have this ex that is their other parent) - this resonates. I could even be a little envious ;)
I just re-read this on the heels of your pooch mom post. It's amazing to go back in time to be given the gift of getting a glimpse into your headspace, and seeing how your life has evolved since 2022...but a different sliver of what you were pondering in 2022 takes form in 2024. Can't wait for you and Felix to bond once again this year...and then you get to return home to puppy love and torn up toilet paper.
I know it’s WILD how much my life has changed in just two years, and how the same themes emerge again and again. Felix is so tiny in these photos!
This is so beautiful.
That's all I can really manage right now. It's that good.
Ha! Thanks Tatiana.
Feeling very connected to this for obvious reasons. I'm glad Felix was able to ground the story and your feelings in some way. He's currently convincing the Sandman of sleep to conjure up dreams full of trampolines, bouncy beds, and large L-shaped sectionals.
Thank you for being the first reader of this piece, and for allowing me to share photos of Felix in such a personal way. His inner monologues crack me up. I'm just sad we didn't get them on the ski slopes, and I think we should try again next year!
I just reread this piece and I’m feeling all the sadness and also the relief right alongside you. I’m also at that fork in the road where hard decisions about parenthood vs. childlessness are being made for me by circumstance. I appreciate Kathryn’s comment: “My contentment in a situation that is hard to control is a gift.” I hope I, too, can find contentment, whatever the outcome.
Ugh, me too, I know that’s the end goal. But right now I’m smack in the middle of feeling furious about the limited options I have, and everything that led me there. I want to speed forward to the wise zen! But no, I just need to be pissed for a minute, which is not always easy for me to let myself feel.
I’m appreciating hearing your journey on the flip side of this question; it’s painfully honest and beautifully real.
Yes!!! I’ve been very well mothered by people who don’t have biological children. This helped me “let go” of the dream I held so tightly. But of course it’s so hard. 🙏🏻
❤️❤️❤️ I needed to hear this today, thank you.
So many parallels in our lives! Losing my nephew was really hard. I still wonder if he'll remember Aunt K K. Being CF, for me, has felt very natural -- and I recognize that my contentment in a situation that is hard to control is a gift.
Definitely. While I'm obviously acutely aware of my age (what women isn't) I'm definitely grateful not to feel a time pressure around my next phase of life.
The life you can see out of the corner of your eye. . .your "almost life." So spot on, you have captured the twist of conflicting emotions of choosing not to be a mother of a human so beautifully. Thank you for writing and sharing this.
Thanks Anne! I appreciated our chat on kids when you were in New York. Honest conversations like that help me identify the conflicting emotions that twist through this topic.
Thank you for sharing this brave, thoughtful article. I am so proud of you, my friend. ❤️❤️❤️ I also re-read this recently and thought you might appreciate it if you haven’t read it yet: https://www.vox.com/first-person/22249380/kamala-harris-children-husband-doug-cole-ella-emhoff-meena-blended-family
Oof, this article gave me chills, thanks so much for sharing! I had also found her story inspiring (also, she didn't marry till her 40s!), but I hadn't seen this one. Thanks so much for reading, excited to see you tonight!
Oh, Liz. I feel the same way. If there is a judgment at the end of our lives, and thank goodness I don’t believe there is, tiny piece of me fears that I’ll be marked a failure for not becoming the mother I always through I was supposed to be.
Elaine! I feel this. It cuts against the status quo to be childless, and judging from the number of private messages I’ve gotten from women on this piece, you are definitely not alone. Thanks for reading!
Could barely read through the tears. I feel so seen through you, your experience. What a gift.
❤️❤️❤️
On the other side of this - irrevocably bound to kids, and my ex for that matter (since once you have kids, you always have this ex that is their other parent) - this resonates. I could even be a little envious ;)
Yes, that’s a side of the equation I’ve thought of many, many times. I’m forever grateful to have been able to make a clean break.
❤️ Well said! Yes to all of it.
Thanks Amy!
Your niece by choice loves you too
Niece by choice… that made me cry. ❤️
stirring up waves upon waves of feelings
all the feelings. all tangled together.
Beautiful.
❤️ thanks jo.